broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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