Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just high enough for therapy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
