For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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