he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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