The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize