someone threw a dead crab at me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
