I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
