I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
