I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
