oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
