Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
