someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
