dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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