GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
