I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So squirting runs in the family.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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