i came on her dog
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
