I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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