Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A+ Viking dick
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
