Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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