My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
