If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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