a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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