Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
