No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Where is the hickey?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
