Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Your cock deserves a montage
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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