So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love you.
Bad choice
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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