too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
