His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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