If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
