when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
