im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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