ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize