3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
