Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
