He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
