I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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