What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
