Define "chronic" masturbator.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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