dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize