I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
