Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
