Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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