One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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