I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
