She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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