Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
