Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
