o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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