I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
