I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
