I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
