Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
