I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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