I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
