The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
