You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
